Mom friends, I am writing to you from the trenches.
With a baby and a toddler (and a positive Covid test), I am in it with you.
The despair of motherhood is real.
You know when it takes everything you have to get through the day, and then you remember that you start over again tomorrow?
That’s despair.
The days are monotonous because every day is the same in the life of little kids.
Yes, there are golden moments, but we’re not talking about those right now.
We need better strategies for the moments that overwhelm us, practical ways to take care of ourselves.
These are the three I come back to again and again.
Connection.
Connection is one of the fastest ways to resurface when we’re drowning.
And not with just anyone, as moms with young children, we no longer have social energy for the takers.
We have like 17 minutes to spend with someone, and it’s not going to be with co-dependent Christy from college who monopolizes every conversation.
When you’re underwater, take 15 minutes to Facetime your best friend, or grab a drink after bedtime even if you only stay out for an hour because being in bed by 9pm slaps.
Connect with the most supportive, life-giving people you know ONLY.
After my second son was born, I realized about six of my—I don’t know, 84?—friends fell into this category.
Literally six. I wrote them down.
Anyone who required something of me that gave very little in return was subtracted. I simply didn’t have the energy to give to anyone who didn’t give it back.
Connect with the ones who give it back.
Pleasure.
Yes, all of it. Massages, dessert, sex. Your favorite movie, a fuzzy-ass blanket, and 20oz of gastrointestinal-pleasing Kombucha.
Whatever brings you pleasure, whatever makes you feel loved and cared for, whatever feels good? Do that.
Every day as a mother of young children is a marathon.
After bedtime, you are celebrating a huge accomplishment, a 12-hour full-body challenge.
What do you tell your friend after they’ve run a marathon? Good job!
And treat yourself.
Sometimes this means six butterfingers, but usually, it means a favorite meal, a sitcom, and a couple of uninterrupted hours with your partner.
Sometimes it means that your feet are plunged into that foot massager your cousin bought you for Christmas because don’t parents need their feet massaged? YES, Megan, we really do.
These are the marathon years, act accordingly.
Self-care.
Self-care is not “I showered alone!” We are not winning when we deprive ourselves of basic necessities, i.e. ten minutes to scrub the pizza sauce off of our bodies.
Self-care as a mother of young children literally means not depriving ourselves of basic goodness.
If you are someone who has a hard time identifying your needs (all mothers everywhere?) then write down some of the things you enjoyed doing before you had kids.
Those are needs.
Will you die if you don’t do them? No.
Stop being dramatic.
They are ideas for how you could be good to yourself.
Sometimes self-care is handing your toddler a tablet for 20 minutes while you do a YouTube workout.
Sometimes self-care is asking your partner to rotate sleeping in—for some reason, almost every mother I know takes this hit.
Self-care is stopping to asses your needs and creating regular rhythms to meet them.
If we were living in the village of our ancestors, our families and friends would be assisting regularly.
In the modern world, we have to explicitly ask.
Yes, this totally sucks. Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
Modern World Pros: the internet, chocolate covered strawberries, routine bathing. Modern World Cons: asking our mother-in-law for a date night.
So the next time you find yourself despairing in the monotony of motherhood, remember:
Connection, pleasure, and self-care will help you find a way back to yourself.
You deserve the goodness you give out.